my process of recovery (confessions from an alcoholic/addict)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
resentments with a side of compulsive overthinking please
I find myself sitting here reading through some of the things that I have listed out on my 4th step and thinking about the resentments that I carry towards others...I have some pretty serious pettiness to let so many things bruise my fucking fragile little flower of an ego...
Damn alcoholics are pansies!!!
Then suddenly and without warning I get a sick feeling in my stomach and some of my resentments are deep and hurtful. Things that I could not tell that person for fear that they would take it as an insult rather than a representation of something irrational in me.
This is an arduous process.
I have been kind of out of my head in ways that are good for me. Thinking about getting on with my life for once and trying to be accountable for my actions.
I was speaking with several people about dealing with my ex during this recent turn of events between he and I, and I realized today, in the bathroom of all places, that I don't miss a single thing about him. I think sometimes that I might be missing something that was just between us or something no one else might ever relate to, and I realize that this is a sort of litmus test I can apply to my history: can I put any of my ex's name in that slot and remember that I thought it was damn near the same with each of them? Yep. The only difference in this case was our son, yet I do not need him to remind me that I was Tibby's mother, or that I loved him and carried him.
So now I am stepping forward into the light of a new day. I am choosing to admit that I was just as toxic for him as he was for me and the only difference now is that I am actually trying to get better and his behaviors stay the same.