I have been running myself ragged emotionally and I felt the full effect of it yesterday as I unraveled enough to come across as a loose end. I found that I was doing all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons and allowing my self-will to sneak back in. It's funny how subversive the mind/ego can be when we least expect. I was coming to a.a., but not actually willingly showing up to participate in more than what suited my fancy. I was allowing myself to be swept away in others emotions and actions so that somehow my own misguided directions were justified. And worst of all I was not doing the work that has been set before me to achieve continuity with my sobriety.
I am pretty disastrous when I don't mean to be..."good intentions, bad results"? Or maybe "bad intentions, worse results". The jury might still be out on this one.
It's funny the random things that run through my head if I really want to be honest about it - the ways that I internally judge other people and their program...I see people who are all talk and little action, people who are all talk and all action, people who are not even here for anything more than to suck off of others life force....and I never stop to see how others may think of me...I know it isn't my place to judge how others map out their recovery. I know that my judgement of their situation is nothing more than a reflection of how I am trying to control myself, this program and how I understand things from my own simple perspective...
And when it all blows up someone says so simply - pray. So in that moment I lay as still I can and breath slow and steady and ask that god remove from me my fears, "everything I think I know about this program", and allow me to just be.
I was never one to get down on my knees before! I never felt that it was in me to genuflect before. I was too into my own addiction as my higher power to show reverence to anything. False gods? Inadequate substitutes for something I wasn't trying to replace so much as avoid.
I was talking a lot last night about what my bottom was. What was that defining moment when something else took over and the simple need for survival was overtaken by a stronger need to not just survive, but LIVE? I am brought to tears thinking about what that moment was to me. The moment where I knew I didn't want to die an alcoholic/addict death. The moment I asked for help, because I can't do this alone.
This is the most amazing, frightening journey I have ever taken...and I am just trying to keep from falling over as I run down this big hill. It's funny I don't feel as though it's uphill. It feels like everything else in my life has been uphill and for once I am gaining momentum the more I submit my will to the care of my higher power as I understand it. I still don't know and I am still ok with the not knowing!