Mother effer is this a hard step...I have so many patterns and things to face...and none of it is coming easily. I make things harder than they have to be and I make things more complicated than they are. Imagine that a recovering addict/alcoholic who creates complication - you'd never think, right?
Today is a day that I have to write, because it is not just any other day. This has not been any other week in fact. I am starting a new shift, I celebrated 10 mos sober on the 4th, and today is the day that would be my son's 4th birthday. He was born at 11:33 am and I still remember the tug inside when I heard his first cry. I was connected to him instantly and for the past few years I have spent way too much time trying to get my head around my grief in the sense of loss. I have been a victim and a martyr, I have used his memory for my own selfish and self-seeking behaviors, and I have shamed myself and his memory in doing so.
Today I reached a point of celebration. I am celebrating the life of my son and how he changed mine, and I am doing it sober. I am not sure what each day will bring when it comes to my tears or my laughter, and I can't profess to know. I am tired of blame and excuses. I still have nightmares and I still have days when it's all I can do to hold my head up and not burst into a big sobbing mess, but I embrace them in a way that encourages release rather than fostering my self pity. I did not choose this, but I still can choose how I handle myself.
Do you ever get the feeling that you are in a place that you got to and don't quite remember the journey? That is very much how I feel today. There is a serenity and peace that I have in me that I am not sure I know how I came upon, but am grateful just the same. It's almost like one day I was feeling like a total victim and feeling as though god dealt me such an unfair hand, to waking up and wanting to celebrate the gift god gave me. Where was the in between, or was it so subtle that I didn't even realize the change in the flow of emotion?
Are there moments when I am growing and changing just through my faith alone? These are things I someday hope to better understand...but today it is enough that I have changed and that I am grateful for my son's life and grateful for my part in it.