First entry

I am sitting in my house listening to the mexican workers next door as they fix up the apartment for whoever rents it next.  The sound of the radio should be distracting me, but it's only making me want to focus on my fingers on the keyboard even more.  This week has been tough, wonderful, awful, fulfilling, awe-inspiring and life-changing.  I 3rd stepped on Monday.  My first 3rd step...and let me tell you I was totally one of those people that cried like a baby when I said my 3rd step prayer.  I am even getting a little teary eyed thinking about it now.  

It's a strange dichotomy to feel awful and wonderful all at the same time, to feel stretched thin and full all at once.  I am heading into my 4th step with little trepidation and some pretty serious deadlines.  So many of us "sit" on our 4th step with hesitation, dread, fear, but god bless my firecracker sponsor who is making me barrel through this with little time to think on it.

I have been so used to holding on by so little.  I was so used to thinking that I had issues with god and the truth was that I just fucking had issues period.  I blamed god for all the things that I brought on myself.  I may not always like god, but I cannot change that god is there even when I think I am alone.  God and I never had to come to any sort of terms with each other, it is really just me coming to terms with god.

I am learning that acceptance of the things that I cannot change does not mean that I have to like them.  I don't have to like that I am not in control, that my will got me drunk and drugged up, that people won't always like me, or that I have to acknowledge my part in the mess I have created, but I can accept it nonetheless.