The head fuck of it all

For a good number of years I have lived with my own little mantra of "some days it all makes sense.", and I am starting to realize that most days it makes no sense.  The bigger idea is: it doesn't matter that I have to make sense of it at all.  

I got in a great conversation tonight about the idea of whether or not god made us alcoholics?  I love that I don't know, and honestly I don't care if I ever do know.  At what point I was tainted is irrelevant anymore.  The fact is that I am an alcoholic.

I can spin myself in little circles all day long about the ideas that I have surrounding the "why" of my circumstances.  I can attempt to fine tune my clarity in the matter.  I can attempt to find my bearings.  I can attempt to understand even an inkling of the bigger picture.  But at the end of it all the plain and simple mind fuck is that what I do in all those matters is but a posturing of the fact that it is not my own will that is "why" any of this just simply is.

I am allowed to catch the smallest moments of calm and serenity in the times where it makes the least amount of sense to me, and it was only in the reflection upon that when I realized it.  I am finding that the puzzling over of it all is but the side effect of my mind ill at ease.  I am beginning to amend my mantra and my whole attitude about what making sense of it matters.  If I am the source of my problem and my higher power is the source of my solution then the basic knowledge of such a huge concept is more than I could ask to know.

First entry

I am sitting in my house listening to the mexican workers next door as they fix up the apartment for whoever rents it next.  The sound of the radio should be distracting me, but it's only making me want to focus on my fingers on the keyboard even more.  This week has been tough, wonderful, awful, fulfilling, awe-inspiring and life-changing.  I 3rd stepped on Monday.  My first 3rd step...and let me tell you I was totally one of those people that cried like a baby when I said my 3rd step prayer.  I am even getting a little teary eyed thinking about it now.  

It's a strange dichotomy to feel awful and wonderful all at the same time, to feel stretched thin and full all at once.  I am heading into my 4th step with little trepidation and some pretty serious deadlines.  So many of us "sit" on our 4th step with hesitation, dread, fear, but god bless my firecracker sponsor who is making me barrel through this with little time to think on it.

I have been so used to holding on by so little.  I was so used to thinking that I had issues with god and the truth was that I just fucking had issues period.  I blamed god for all the things that I brought on myself.  I may not always like god, but I cannot change that god is there even when I think I am alone.  God and I never had to come to any sort of terms with each other, it is really just me coming to terms with god.

I am learning that acceptance of the things that I cannot change does not mean that I have to like them.  I don't have to like that I am not in control, that my will got me drunk and drugged up, that people won't always like me, or that I have to acknowledge my part in the mess I have created, but I can accept it nonetheless.